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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.