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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.