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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.