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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
My last post deserves WAY more likes than that....let`s go people....chop chop!
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it