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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........