Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok