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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
is "insert clever remark here."
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?