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"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
My last post deserves WAY more likes than that....let`s go people....chop chop!
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.