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Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species