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Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.