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Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window