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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards