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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.