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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I forgot to post this earlier
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!