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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”