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People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Being normal is boring.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.