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"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
I`m never free but I`m available.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?