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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
I`m having an out of money experience.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.