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Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.