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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.