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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.