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Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!