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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.