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My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."