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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.