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I wish common sense was more common.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.