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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".