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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
No pants are the best pants.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.