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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.