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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.