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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.