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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.