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If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!