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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.