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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!