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"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.