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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.