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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole