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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.