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I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.