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I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.