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Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.