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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I hate when the remote is way over there
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.