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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Chip clips are for quitters.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.