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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...