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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever