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Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...