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The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!