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You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.