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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner