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Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Are you reading this from a toilet? Iām writing this from one.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
There may be no excuse for laziness, but Iām still looking.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?