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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Iām going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.