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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
I am used but in good condition.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"