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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Is Nudeism a religion?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.