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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .