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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.