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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.