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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.