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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume