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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.