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I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!