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If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake