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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
I just need someone to feed me and tell me Iām pretty.