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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.