Daily Silly Status

I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials

Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones

Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.

I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast

I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.

Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.

When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.

The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.

I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.

I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.

I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."

If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.

I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...

Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.