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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.