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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."