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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?