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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.