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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.