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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
This day needs more yesterday.