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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.