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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
Gun Control: Use both hands
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.