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Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.