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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I grew up for this?
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
i only drink on days that end with y
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.