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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?