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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually