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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!